I suppose when learning to apply new concepts to our lives, we tend to vacillate to extremes in behaviors as we adapt and better integrate that newness. It would appear that my healthy detachment may have teetered a bit over to being a bit too detached, although I am not sure just yet if that is that case or if this is what it is like to feel a healthy detachment.
While I feel an enormous amount of love for my dogs and my family and friends, I find that I am not emotionally attached to past events or really to present events so much either. It isn’t that I am not feeling anything, but it is like I am feeling it from a distance away. Like it doesn’t matter what anyone else does or what happens because I am not so tied to it emotionally. I still feel strongly about things and have strong opinions about some things that are relevant to my everyday life and the health and well-being of others.
I have been an emotional person all of my life and have worked to rein this in a bit from time to time and situation to situation in my life. I think that I would react or respond on an emotional level most of the time. The last couple of years not as much so, and I notice that I rarely react to anything anymore. I do respond and try to do so in the most compassionate and effective manner to resolve or problem solve a situation. Responding does not take an emotional connection/attachment. I think that practicing responding is probably what has led me to this current level of detachment.
I wondered over the weekend if I had surpassed the healthy level of detachment and if I had teetered into a near apathetic stance. I do not feel apathetic about anything. I often feel an ambivalence or lack of interest, but I am pretty sure it isn’t apathetic. I do care and I do care about a lot of things and a lot of people. I am mindful of others’ feelings and needs, while ensuring that I am tending to my own as well.
I am in the process of changing a few things in my world with intention. I am sort of redirecting my passions and trying to be more focused. This is taking more time than I had hoped and the interim is a bit uncomfortable. This will pass. I am not sure if it is related to all of the above or not. What I know is that during the redirection of my passion, there is no direction for my passions. I almost feel a bit uninspired overall, but certainly am finding moments of inspiration along the way during my days.
The detachment I am experiencing right now is creating a problem with my ability to write, as that was mostly done under some emotionally charged situations in my life. I was hoping to write about some past experiences within a larger framework, but am finding lately that I cannot find that emotional connection to the past. I am not sure this is a bad thing or that it means I cannot write what I feel compelled to write. I think that it is different for me to not feel emotionally connected to something that was emotionally intense and charged at the time it occurred. Never have I been able to view something so incredible without having much of an emotional reaction to conjuring it in my head.
Perhaps I will just notice this and see what happens with it as I continue to move forward into the changes and redirections of passions. I am not a fan of judging this level of detachment as good or bad. It just is and perhaps this is an opportunity to find yet another new way of operating in my world?