I do not have a white flag or even a white shirt to wave for the universe to see this week, but I can assure you that the events of this week have necessitated a level of surrender that I am not sure I have ever consciously experienced.
Perhaps I should say that I have certainly surrendered at various points in my life and particularly often within the last 8 years. I did it pretty much kicking and screaming or with my hands on my hips, resisting it for as long as I had the energy to do so, but eventually surrendering just the same.
This time feels different. This time feels like I am making a conscious decision to surrender to what is unfolding next in several areas of my life.
The most obvious one is the decision to be less resistant to help during recovery from a surgery that is happening far sooner than anyone anticipated.
I found out yesterday that the skin around the top of the implanted pump is eroded enough to quickly work me into the surgery schedule for next week. Of all of the scenarios anticipated for my doctor visit yesterday, this was not at all one of them.
The shock was shared with a few people, and with so little time to wrap my head around it being next week, my head was just spinning around. I knew I needed to figure out how to take steps toward implementing a plan similar to the plan six months ago.
I am not sure that at any point in my illness or ever that I have so consciously or willingly allowed someone else to take over to help plan for my needs. I have to place emphasis on the willingly and consciously part here because I feel that is the difference.
Out of absolute necessity, surrendering often occurs. For me, there is always a continued resistance in allowing the surrender to occur. It is as if I can only allow it if there is some protest on record, as ridiculous as that may sound.
For the first time (that I have noticed) yesterday, I heard four different people in my life say the same exact thing to me. I really heard them and it seemed to me that just maybe I could try to see the world through their perspective, rather than making this far more difficult than it really needed to be.
Maybe a protest on record is ridiculous, although I am sure I made a small one or two just the same at some point yesterday before finally just allowing others to run with it.
We ran with it together, but there is no way I could have done it as well by myself. I think the surrendering actually allowed more room to be even more grateful for the awesome humans in my life.
I start this second pump revision adventure with more of a conscious willingness to allow my support network of awesome humans to do what they can to help me through the recovery process. I tried hard to do this the last time, but I could always improve in this area.
I think it is pretty cool to have a lesson for the second pump revision before it has even happened. I have a feeling that, as disruptive as I believe another surgery so quickly to be, this one is going to be richer in growth opportunities than I can imagine!