Today, I want to continue to share about the significance of my latest epiphanies, and to share a little more specifically. The specifics are important if you have read my blog all along, but are most related to my Lessons from the Pump post. Apparently, I am still learning from it.
Here is the quote I shared in my earlier blog from the book Medicine Cards by Jamie Sams and David Carson that really got my attention when I saw the hawk:
“When you allow your emotions to override your perceptions, the message from hawk cannot penetrate the chaos and confusion. At this point, you are asked to be mindful of the honest observer’s neutral position, which allows the message to be intuitively and clearly understood, without emotion coloring its true meaning.”
Hawk’s message is to be aware or to beware of what happens next. Hawk’s sound and sudden landing on my back fence the other day certainly got my attention. I had spent the previous day pretty much stuck in my own head and worrying about losing everything all over again. As I have shared, fear has been my house guest for some time. She was never in the room while I was working on my manuscript, but she hasn’t really left me in recent months.
The morning before I posted my Fear Twice Reflected, I awoke from my pain in the early morning hours to a running drama in my mind. I was trying to figure out how I would wheel my manual wheelchair to the bus stop down my street. The sidewalk isn’t great in either direction, so I was trying to figure out which way would be the better way to go.
You are probably reading this and thinking, “What in the world is she thinking about?” Let me give you the short version, so that I can continue to share just how powerful hawk’s visit was for me.
Most of 2012 for me has involved appeals to Social Security regarding my Medicare coverage. Without Medicare coverage, I cannot continue to get my intrathecal baclofen pump refilled or medically managed. With my pre-existing conditions, I would never be able to find health care.
Because I have responded so well to treatment, I no longer fit into their definition of eligible. I have tried to convey that while I have responded well to treatment and am paying back into the social security system by working, I would not be able to continue to do so without continued treatment. I am on appeal #3 and there is one more available after this one.
I believed fear was here showing me my strength because I know that whatever happens, I will be ok and live to tell the story. That is why I wrote what I wrote on my bathroom mirror that I shared in Fear Reflected. As I shared in the previous post, hawk drove that a bit farther home by reminding me that I am too emotionally attached to see the bigger picture of the situation and the potential solutions.
I had two friends who were trying to give me a different perspective on life without Medicare that included the pump refills, but all I could see (feel actually) was that I needed to figure out how to keep working at the homeless program with Duke and keep teaching online from the wheelchair and on sedating medications. I was even formulating this plan in my sleep apparently.
What it was generating was gallons of tears and even more drama inside my head because I was trying to figure out the logistics of managing the worst-case scenario. So, I listened to my own audio blog Just Imagine a few times, trying to shake it loose out of my head. Finally, I talked to a good friend of mine and told her of the drama playing out inside my head.
Suddenly we are talking about figuring out how to get the pump refilled without health coverage and those logistics, rather than the other logistics involving wheelchairs and such. I couldn’t quite get on board with her when we were talking, but she seemed to be so confident in our ability to figure those logistics out that I agreed to get on board with her belief about it for the day.
I was sharing this with another friend a couple of days later and she informed me that she too was trying to get me to hear that same perspective. I couldn’t get past my emotional attachment to hear her. Now I hear them both and am on board.
In Lessons from the Pump, I share what not having the pump means to me. I associated medical coverage with keeping the pump. A LOT of intense emotions are connected to all of that, in spite of my best efforts to let them go.
I see it as a nice measuring stick of where I started from emotionally when the pump drama began in 2010, continuing through now. It seems to have cycled around to full circle.
Perhaps this gives you a little more insight into all the opportunities I have had to work cooperatively with my fear this year. What opportunities have you had to work with yours so far this year? Have you welcomed them or resisted them?