Sharing the lessons along the way…

Revisiting Surrender?

In my waking hours, I am the self-proclaimed master of shifting my perspective 95% of the time.  I have shared in blog posts before of my ability to find gratitude somewhere within a situation.  No matter how fearful, painful or ominous something may appear, I can spin it into a growth or learning opportunity.

The problem is that my sleeping/unconscious mind does not seem to be buying into these heroic shifts in perspective that my waking/conscious mind is working so hard to create.

My conscious attempts to reassure myself work pretty well or else I would imagine I might be a lot less functional in my daily life (bonkers, perhaps) than I am, given the events of the last couple of years.

But, how much more functional could I be now if I could get my unconscious to get with the program?

I have been doing my share of surrendering over the course of 10 years with PLS, but wouldn’t it seem like I am still resisting if I am waking up from my sleep with tears or anxiety?  The last couple of years have “encouraged” me to surrender on a new and different level than before and I have worked really hard to consciously surrender.  I have been grateful for the opportunities for the most part.

While I do not mean to diminish my efforts and successes toward these acts of surrender, I see today that I must be missing something important in this surrendering process.

Clearly, these “acts” and “moments” of consciously surrendering are not enough for the sleeping Tawny.  Perhaps if I can continue to string enough of them together, it will become the “lifestyle” of my unconscious eventually?  I am hopeful that I am on the right track, but would love to hear your thoughts.




Comments on: "Revisiting Surrender?" (8)

  1. I, too, have waken in the night crying. Life sure can be hard and sometimes I think we just need to spend a few minutes feeling sorry for ourselves – and then pick ourselves back up and move on with life. I like to think things through, just like you. I wish my emotions followed the same logic as my thinking. Are you beating yourself up because your emotions aren’t cooperating? Hang in there, you are strong and resilient – and keep on writing.


    • Hi Pat,
      Thank you for commenting and I do really appreciate your validation and support! It is a good question about whether I am beating myself up about it. I don’t believe I am. I actually am quite proud of my ability to manage everything right now. I am more confused that my sleeping brain isn’t on board. My perspective and such when I am awake is good most of the time. I just can’t help but sense that there is something more to the shifting of my perspective that I am missing. Know what I mean?


      • I really do know. I continue to believe that “If I do everything right, everything will be better.” and this includes the right attitude. And then the emotions pop up and punch me in the gut and I think where did all that come from.
        Tawny, I do hear that you are doing what you need to do to be functional during the day – but the pain and uncertainty and limitations are real. You have taught your brain how to think about these and be positive but the autonomic nervous center that you have no control over responds with fear and the emotional center is going to respond with sadness. If you could do away with these you would become dangerously fearless and without sorrow you would be a robot. Think of the characters in the Wizard of Oz. Maybe you can cry at night so you don’t have to spend energy on it during the day. I just shed a tear for you today (and maybe for myself as I remember how hard life can be) and am sending an emotional hug.
        By the way, I thought this was a great post.


  2. how timely and fitting a post for what happened to me tonight and finding so much to be grateful for in the face of a supposed certainly was a good growth and learning experience as it has been the last few months, heck the entire year have been. Your sleeping self will get there, just keeping connecting the moments of surrendering. My sleeping self has a real hard time these days too, if I actually stay asleep long enough.

    I wonder if the dreams you are having are the cause of you waking with such anxiety and being tearful-sounds like the fears and/or anxiety you suppress while awake cannot be suppressed while you are alseep. Your subconscious mind is a truth teller so just keep working at it and let it come out however it needs to for now. I seem to be reversed in this sense as I feel more anxious and fearful while awake but do not have dreams of fear and/or anxiety, the ones I actually remember are more on the pleasant side.

    Thanks for sharing as always.


    • Thank you for reading, as always Nina! I am glad you are able to find the growth opportunities in potential calamity as well. I would expect problems during the day and then a bit of a reprieve at night, like it sounds like you are getting. I am not having dreams that I remember, but am just waking up panicked and/or tearful. Definitely anxiety and my confusion is my ability to handle it and shift my perspective during the day, but at night it is clearly present. My sleep is pretty screwy because of the pain and I am sure that is a contributor to this, but if I really deeply am making these shifts in perspective and surrendering, it seems to me there would be less nighttime drama. It hasn’t been that long since I made friends with my fear, so maybe that just takes a while to move from my conscious moments to my unconscious ones. I actually started out writing about what surrender looks like, but am still working on that one! Hugs!


      • My sleep is screwy due to anxiety, fear and intense hot flashes-which the more I monitor them, the more I feel they are stress and anxiety induced. Your pain messes up your sleep and I thought about this Saturday night. My bone spur in my heel has been giving me lots of pain and after being at Kindred Spirits all day on my feet working and walking, the pain was going from my entire foot through my calf and to the bone spur in my knee(which has not bothered me in years).

        The pain was almost unbearable and keeping me awake along with my other anxiety about my present situation and other matters. I could not help thinking how you endure your daily pain but you do so I told myself my pain was temporary(secretly was scared it would still be there in the morning) and to be grateful for that.

        Knowing you, I believe you will find a way to bridge the gap and find a way for your conscious moments to spill over into your unconscious ones(and then share it here) 😉

        For now, if those feelings of panic and fear need to come out and obviously they do, let them. Perhaps, they will exhaust themselves once your body and mind has purged them through your subconscious; it could be what is helping you or allowing you to function and keep it together during your waking hours.


  3. great insight into your thoughts but…maybe you need to let yourself be yourself…and relax without all the thought processes? ding dang it!


    • Well, ding dangit Mary! I do well with my thoughts and such during the day. It is while I am asleep that I am struggling. I would certainly just let it be if I wasn’t so ding dang tired! 😉


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