I have been cooperating with my pain, but I am pretty sure the outcome of doing so isn’t supposed to result in so much frustration. I am having to work more, which reduces the amount of time and energy I have for other things. It also increases my pain levels, making me feel like I am struggling to keep up with regular life things like laundry, house cleaning, grocery shopping, etc.
For the past several months, I have blamed my lack of time to meet friends for breakfast, or whatever social event is happening, on my tighter schedule. That is very true, however, it dawned on me yesterday that time and time management is not my primary problem. Pain is really the problem.
Unfortunately, that did little to reduce my level of frustration over missing my friends. When time or time management was my perceived problem, I was working to try to create more time and to shift some things around. I felt like I had some control over my ability to manage my time. That is, until I realized that time wasn’t really the problem. I have far less control over managing my pain.
Being able to work right now is very high on my priority list, so whatever is left after that, is whatever is left after that. Most days, that isn’t much except for pain and exhaustion.
The irony is that each of my jobs provides me with some respite (i.e. distraction) from my pain as well.
Honoring my pain after working often means lying with ice packs attempting to sleep or to distract myself from the pain’s intensity, but at a minimum, it requires stopping all sitting, standing and moving around activity.
After writing the first three paragraphs of this post, it occurred to me that the root of my frustration is the lack of control over the pain. From there, everything else becomes frustrating and often overwhelming.
I share all of this because that is what I do. I share my struggles as much as I share my insights into those struggles. What I wonder is, do my own ideas about surrendering apply here to the pain? If they do (as I suspect they might) then what in the world does that look like?
It seems I am missing something important here, so please do share if it seems obvious to you!