Some days and with some things, I know a lot. Other days and with other things, not always much at all.
When I left you last time, I had realized just how little I seemed to “get” about surrender when friends had already offered to help me do something that makes my pain worse.
A brave, dear friend left a comment agreeing that it would seem like I know very little about surrendering and allowing others to help me.
If you followed the pump surgery saga of 2010-2011, you may know that I have gotten so much better at asking and receiving help in this life. But, you also know that surrendering to that notion continues to be a struggle.
To be honest, I had hoped to be back to being able to take care of my own sh#t. That seems to be my measure of being “ok.” I have had to be “dependent” on others for help with one thing or another in the past decade—enough for a lifetime if you ask me!
However, it appears that the universe did not ask me. It appears that I need to shift my entire belief system about what all of this means.
Let me re-cap what I already know:
1. Asking for help is a sign of courage, not weakness.
2. Accepting/receiving help takes a bit more grace and strength than asking for it.
I believe these whole-heartedly, but struggle like hell to consistently practice them in real life. I still need backed into the proverbial corner.
Here is what I realize happens as a result of my struggle (er, um, resistance):
1. I isolate (and/or alienate) people for whom I care a great deal and who care for me.
2. I disconnect myself from the “community” and social support that I (and we all) need to thrive.
Why would anyone do that? Unfortunately, I have and I think the bottom line is my continued, long-standing belief that I should do and take care of all of my own stuff or I am not doing my part. Once I take care of my own stuff, I can be of better service to others.
So, what happens if my chronic pain does not allow me to take care of my own stuff?
My reasoning does not account for that. For a while, I tried beating my head against brick walls with doctors to fix the pain. That did not work. It is not a fixable pain.
For another while, I simply just didn’t (because I physically couldn’t) do my own stuff. That was not an effective strategy either.
My last ditch effort was to do it anyway and to suffer through it. My last blog post summarizes that experience, which was completely ridiculous. [Hence wearing the dunce hat sitting in the proverbial corner.]
The thing is, I can wrap my brain around temporary help. I can ask for it and receive it pretty well now. What I cannot wrap my brain around is having others help me with my own stuff on a long-term basis.
Here is my question for you this time:
If you needed to ask for help no end date, how would you come to terms with it?
Seriously, I want to know what you think! The more feedback the better. Your comments help me to see what is right in front of me sometimes!