I never imagined writing this one. In fact, there was a time not all that long ago where I could not even think about what I am about to share without being so full of fear that I was paralyzed.
There seems to come a time in most treatments of disease where the risks, side-effects and such have to be re-evaluated. I am probably well past that time with my intrathecal baclofen pump treatment, but haven’t been ready or open to discussing it until the last few weeks.
The very doctor who helped me to fight for it a couple of years ago when the new implant was causing so much pain is the doctor who first initiated dialogue out loud. I have been having the conversation in my head about letting go of the pump for quite a while. It was almost a relief to have someone bring it out into the open.
For nearly a week after my appointment with him, I couldn’t really discuss it with anyone else. I could say what he said, which was, “Tawny, at what point are you going to be willing to let this pump go?” Discussing it with anyone required me to do many of the things I have written about in this blog. I read over my own words about fear and through my entire fear series talking about the unhealthy relationship I knew I had with my old pump.
I worked very hard with little exercises to remove the attachment of my quality of life to this pump. My quality of life seems to be quite hampered since this pump entered my life, and with the recent pump doctor appointment, became more so.
As the first week of processing the information came to a close, I was able to talk to several friends about it. The more I shared, the more I realized that any decision I made would not be made in a vacuum. My decision affects everyone in my life (including you) but particularly those closest to me. I still have more folks to talk to in person about this decision, but I felt the need to also share it with you.
As I entered the second week of sharing and still working hard at detaching my emotions from the decision, I realized something. I am not sure when or how, but I started to feel uncomfortable. I wasn’t hashing out pros and cons anymore. It seemed I had made my decision. AND, I had no fear.
I am not afraid. I am not afraid of life without an intrathecal baclofen pump. I am not afraid of what I don’t know about what will happen next. I figure the absence of fear is really what surrender feels like, and I have to say that I have never quite felt it like I am feeling it now over this decision.
There are many details to work out yet. I see the potential opportunities within this decision, but the biggest one is allowing my body time to heal from the pump trauma.