Last night, I had to choose to go to sleep like I usually do. It is the first time in nearly a decade that I have gone to bed not knowing how my feet and legs would work when I awoke. I entertained not going to sleep, but my Duke and I were looking forward to going to the Homeless Emergency Project (HEP) to work.
At first, it was all about preparation. The only thing I really had control over was to make sure I had assistive equipment for all possible outcomes (and tons of toilet paper).
There was no way to prepare myself emotionally, or at least no way I could come up with at the start. I figured no matter what happened or how I initially would feel, I would figure out how to turn it into being ok somehow. It seems to be what I do, regardless of my level of confidence in my ability to do so along the way.
Until I got the ball rolling, I didn’t consider all that would go into the journey of reducing the dose of baclofen in the pump before its removal. Actually, I didn’t really know how we would reduce the dose until Tuesday and on Tuesday, we reduced the dose.
Now I know that each week will bring with it a new way of moving about in my world. Each week, I will have a choice about how I manage and cope with the newness. It has been barely 36 hours since I left the doctor’s office and I have had to make this choice at least 500 times.
I am choosing to do this with more grace, peace and mindfulness than I was able to when the illness first started creating mobility issues.
I am also choosing to reach out more. I texted my way through the grocery store Tuesday evening because I was shopping like I would never, ever return to a grocery store again.
Of course, I know that isn’t true, but that was where I was while I was at the store.
I had someone on standby if I needed a ride home from the doctor and if Duke and I needed a ride to HEP.
Turns out, I needed neither, but it felt good to be able to have a back up plan.
The ball is moving quickly.
Despite how long it is actually going to take to finally get to where the pump is removed from my body, the ball is rolling, and I will be struggling to keep up with it.
- Toilet Paper Towers, Big Girl Panties, Etc. (thetawny.wordpress.com)