Sharing the lessons along the way…

While I stay fascinated with the effects of such a gradual dose reduction in intrathecal baclofen, I have had a couple of freak out moments in recent days.

While Duke and I were at HEP yesterday, I was sharing what I have learned about the muscles and the effects with some of the residents since they are curious about what is happening.  As I was talking and demonstrating, I realized that I had some other symptoms I had not noticed yet.  I didn’t anticipate that.

I moved past those with other topics of conversations, but am pretty sure my heart stopped beating for just a minute first.

Then Duke and I made our way into the offices so that he could get his treats from his favorite staff.  Duke doesn’t do elevators, so we always take the stairway to make his second floor visits.

Just Wednesday, I was fascinated by the challenge going up the stairs presented since I was unable to have the left foot spring me up to the next step.

I was looking forward to paying more attention on Friday’s trip up the steps.  At least I was until I got about half way up the first small flight.  It seemed to hit me that I really cannot do the stairs well.

Stairs drawing

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In fact, I did all sorts of feet contortions, used the rails and my cane to get me up the last flight.  I don’t remember it being that hard two days before.  I wondered what a video of this trip up the stairs might look like and could appreciate the potential humor, except that it didn’t feel very funny.

As Duke and I walked back to the car to leave, even the walking part seemed somehow different.  I wasn’t quite sure what was different, but I seemed to be exhausted by my efforts to move around.

In my efforts to minimize the freak-out factor, I took Duke to the water at the marina instead of going straight home.

While we were there, I was letting him sniff around, but having a hard time following him in the softer sand or stepping back up onto the concrete boat launch to get back to the car.  It was a step.  Duke did it and I went up the hill in the loose sand instead.

When we got home, I did some stretching, while I was trying to slow my thoughts down about these recent developments.

I was thinking, “What if…” and again trying to anticipate and predict what comes next.  I did chuckle through the tears about the irony of going from utter fascination to freaking out in a matter of two days.

Not knowing what I cannot do until I try to do it is a bit unnerving.  It is what it is, and I am not sure becoming fearful or freaking out is going to be all that helpful in dealing with these new realities.

Instead, I am  doing the best I can to stay in the present.

What are some ways you stay in the present moment?


Comments on: "From Fascination to Freaking Out" (6)

  1. “A room with a View”
    .An expression of perspective as a result of detachment from an old film
    “Arsenic and Old Lace.
    How easy it is to miss that which is right under our noses.
    You already have opened up quite a few curtains, and certainly there will
    be more to come. i suspect all we can do is watch for the opportunity to
    open more of them. Your blogging is a definite means to that end.


  2. So-o well written, just made my favorite # 3. Felt every bit – from the
    pain and frustration of the physical aspects to the agony and anxiety.
    Your discovery and realization period ( aka fascination to freak-out )
    wasn’t even a couple of days but really only just a couple of hours.
    The stair thing – will never be funny !
    As far as staying in the present – Taking Yourself and the Dukester
    to the marina instead of going home was perfect. What better test
    of mobility than water and sand ? It’s harder to see the gradual
    changes when we live with them daily.
    By going somewhere you haven’t been for a few days or weeks –
    the changes become more obvious,
    That moment of realization is as ‘In the present’ as it gets.
    Namaste / or ‘my hats off to you, Lady !’


    • Thank you Kat! I have developed my little measures of knowing how something has changed from decrease to decrease now. Since this post, I probably freak out less, but definitely vacillate between freaking out and being fascinated just the same.


      • Scientific Curiosity, i suspect.


        • A little of that, yes. I am finding this to be an opportunity to better understand what is happening and how each of those things affect my functioning. It isn’t something I have been emotionally detached enough to fully understand…at least not while going through it. 🙂


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