By the time her computer booted up and the Word document was blank before her, the tears had stopped flowing. It was as if what she was composing inside her head to put on the page was enough to temporarily stop the steady stream.
Then she stared blankly at the computer screen, hesitant to really share what she was composing in her head just moments before. She had censored herself and couldn’t find a word to write.
The tightness in her stomach started again, followed by the welling of tears in her eyes. The screen became blurry, but her fingers and hands were still poised to type her words on the keyboard.
In her mind, she recalled the overwhelming sense of agitation and frustration she felt through the day. None of it had any just cause. No one was doing anything in particular. She couldn’t shake it. She didn’t quite understand it. Things that happened on this day were just like any other day.
How she felt inside was not like any other day. She knew that, and fortunately did not appear agitated, and did not react in anger to anyone.
In fact, she kept smiling because she didn’t have anything to be so agitated about. Things were really ok.
The more she thought about it, the more she couldn’t believe she didn’t act out somewhere in the course of the day. She seemed ready for a fight up until the point she got home. At home, there were tears instead.
As the words were typed, her tears would start. Then they would come to a stop. With each wave of them, she seemed to be able to see the screen more clearly. She typed without censoring. And saw the day more clearly.
Whether she wanted to admit it or not, she was overwhelmed. Her brain hurt at the thought of putting one more thing in it and there are always more things. Each week her life seemed to be changing so much, and no matter how well she handled it, she still feels like she is one breath away from a meltdown. Even though she probably isn’t.
What she was able to remember after the tears dried up was that it is ok to feel that way. It is even ok to write about it. It is even ok to let other people know that it is ok. It is also ok to let it go, and just keep smiling.