Sharing the lessons along the way…

“The pump is now off.”

Big Girl Panties

My heart started racing and I felt a wave of heat fill every cell of my body.  I coached myself to breathe and reminded myself of my big girl panties.  I wanted this.  This was my choice.  I know I am ok with my decision to remove the pump, but I was startled by my reaction to the words, “The pump is now off.  There is no more baclofen going to your body.”

I could feel the beads of perspiration forming and knew I had to calm myself down.  It seemed so final.  The pump is now off.  Breathe Tawny.  Breathe.

After only a few minutes of near full-blown panic, I was ok.  I was sad.  I was relieved.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to throw up.  I wanted to get out of there. I wanted to get home.  But I was ok.

I had no idea I was going to panic.

I had no idea that after I panicked I would feel sadness.  Relief was the only expected experience yesterday.  I am not sure if crying was from sadness, relief or the aftermath of those moments of panic.

The pump is now off, which means there is no more intrathecal baclofen being delivered to my spinal canal.  I am without baclofen.  Sans baclofen.  Nada baclofen.  No more baclofen.

Huh.  No matter how many times I type it or say it out loud, my brain is having trouble grasping it.

Aside from the few minutes I quietly freaked out, and the few minutes later in the day when I freaked out about the increase in clonus, it was relatively anticlimactic.

The pump turn off was early in the day yesterday.  Forty assignments graded later, I had already moved forward in my mind to preparation for surgery recovery.

I texted several friends saying “My pump is now off.”  My favorite response was, “Now it’s all Tawny.”

And so it is.

(With the love, support and encouragement of all of my friends near and far, of course.)

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Comments on: "“The pump is now off.”" (4)

  1. considering all the pros and cons –
    mixed emotions are no surprise.
    100% human – 100% in control,
    and you are still together – keeping us posted.
    as much as we are all here for you –
    You are still keeping us posted.
    Much Thanx To The Towanda Tawny !!!


  2. Isn’t it odd how, when reaching a long-sought goal, things like sadness and panic emerge along with the good stuff? It’s like it builds up until you safely reach the finish and then grabs you. Congratulations!


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