I wrote yesterday’s blog before I melted down Wednesday night. I had apparently reached my frustration tolerance threshold as I reached my physical limit.
As intrigued as I am about this entire process, I still spend time feeling overwhelmed, frustrated and over it. Wednesday was all of that as I allowed pain to overshadow most rational, present moment thought.
With the help of my dogs and Mr. Awesome, I could stop the flow of tears. Being able to say, “This just sucks!” to another human during a meltdown is actually helpful (no, I didn’t know that). Later, I tried to play my addictive little game to stop the flow of thoughts going through my head, but wasn’t very successful.
It is fascinating to be aware of where my thoughts go when pain levels, energy levels and frustration levels are maxed. Some of them were mini blogs I was composing. Some were tracing back the week’s activities to figure out what I did to make myself suddenly start hurting so much.
Well, then, I was going on a tirade about my experience with doctors (not my PCP or neurologist necessarily). I let this tirade go on for a bit in my head to see where it would go. And I realized that I am still feeling some anger about all the events leading to the pain, removal of the pump, not being heard and being invalidated so much. Oh, and apparently there is some anger in there for the pain.
I feel certain this isn’t the first time in the last few years that I have lost sleep about all of that. As I thought about it while resting yesterday, I thought about how many negative thoughts I have attached to pain.
Everything that has happened in the past few years with my pump is attached to pain. The process of decreasing the dose of intrathecal baclofen is attached to it. Each doctor invalidation seemed to get the most time in my thoughts—seriously, like each time, each doctor and there were a lot of them.
I share all of this because I figured all of that was in me somewhere and have wondered when and where it might surface since the pump is gone now. And because now that I know, I have a choice whether to deal with it as it wells up. Or wait and let it build into another meltdown when I am tired, in pain and frustrated about something else!
I am thinking is that if I can finally let go of the feelings and thoughts attached to the pain, that the pain will lessen as well. The pain has its own pathway through the brain and body just like addiction, our thoughts, our routines, etc. If I can weaken the strength of that pathway as I heal, then maybe…
…maybe my plan will work.
- Love Me (thetawny.wordpress.com)