I have never been a fan of inconsistency, unpredictability and the like. In fact, I started the anti-fan club for such things very early in my life. Perhaps that is why the universe has tried to teach me to tolerate ambiguity over and over again.
At this point in my life, I know I do one or two levels better than just tolerating the inconsistency and unpredictability that is a given as I live this life.
I was pleased with my ability to cope with it, until now.
Now, I am sure I can do better. The unpredictability and unmanageability of the nerve pain in my torso is the latest teachable moment. While I may not show it all the time when it has happened recently, I can assure you that inside, it unglues me.
Most of that is because I am the anti-fan club leader and automatically become frustrated, agitated and angry that I have no control over it.
When the torso burning starts back up, it is as if each instance of unpredictability and lack of control gets rolled up into the feelings I have about it. I hadn’t really put all of it together until now.
The negative feelings get directed at the pain because I don’t know what makes it happen and I cannot figure it out. The same pattern emerged as I was slowly losing control over my mobility at the onset of my illness. That definitely wasn’t helpful then.
Yes, understanding it is my way of controlling some aspect of what is otherwise uncontrollable. So is shifting my perception of whatever it is. It is how I empower myself and take charge of my life and my health. Now that I understand that there is more old stuff to let go of, I can work on doing just that.
As I let go of it, I can stop coming unglued, relinquish my anti-fan club leader position, and stop attaching it to the pain. I can’t cooperate or better understand the pain with all of this other crap in the way.