Luscious, soft grass surrounds you as you feel your body sink into the earth beneath you.
In your field of vision is a lake, surrounded only by more green grass.
Some of the blades are taller than the others, and the taller blades reflect off the edges of the deep waters. The lake looks like dark glass it is so calm.
It is a serene image.
I am deep into the meditation and all of my body is relaxed.
Suddenly the calm turns to panic. This calm, deep lake also looks like a big black hole, and I am on the edge of it. Tears welled up from some deep, dark space inside me.
I bring myself back into the room, into my chair, but I cannot shake the image of the lake/black hole. I try to make something ridiculous appear in my mind’s eye to stop the tears from falling out of my eyes.
The simple things like birds that go with such a nature scene didn’t work, and I found myself conjuring the image of the loch ness monster instead.
There, that worked.
The loch ness monster is in a lake, so the black hole dissolved. The sadness, frustration and fear were not dissolved, however.
Despite having babied my right hand, wrist and arm most of the weekend, I still was not going to be able to use a cane to help me get around. I had no idea how it was going to go yesterday, but was determined to go just the same.
As a last ditch plan A for yesterday’s trip to the Homeless Emergency Project with Duke, I threw my walker into the car. I texted for help with my bag with water and such for Duke, and later for help getting Duke through the downstairs of the offices for his treats, then to our final group of our day.
Using the walker with only my left hand seemed to be an exercise in futility. The wheels got stuck in the pavers in the parking lot right from the car, nearly tipped several times with the large cracks in the sidewalk, and it just kept going to the left.
Duke walks on my left side as a 12-year habit, so that hand was also holding the leash. It could have almost been funny, but I thought sure I would burst into tears at any moment. I am not sure how I didn’t, honestly.
But I didn’t. Once we got home, I iced my arm, made some food, downloaded some assignments that need graded, and sat down to agitate my wrist even more because I needed to type this out.
I am pretty sure that dark hole is somewhere inside me, and in it is probably everything I have thought, felt and believed about this illness, pain, loss and more. All of that is trying to come out, and I want to allow it all to go.
Then real healing can begin.
I am so close to letting it all go that I saw it in my mind’s eye. Then again, I also saw the loch ness monster.