There are two opposing Tawny’s in my brain as I think about my hearing tomorrow. One Tawny is tired of dealing with governmental bureaucracy and wants to throw in the towel.
The other one is a ridiculous pain-in-the-ass cheerleader who is trying to remind me of the fact that I am not a quitter. She says I at least have to make my best effort, but each time that Tawny wins for just a bit, and the other one gets to work on it, it all becomes exhausting and confusing.
Decisions made by Social Security’s Administrative Law Judges are rarely overturned, so tomorrow’s appearance may well be my final shot at the buzzer. The problem is that I am ill-prepared because of the other Tawny, who is ready to hold up the pole with the white flag. In addition, the Social Security Law reads worse than Shakespeare, and I never really enjoyed reading Shakespeare much.
Legal help is hard to find when there is no money at stake. I don’t want money. I just want to have continued health care through Medicare to manage my illness. I do not live by the label disabled, so it is also hard for me to go into such a formal setting to argue that am that label.
It is hard for either Tawny in my head to muster up entitlement, which incidentally is how they categorize people receiving any government-sponsored aid here in the US. I have been an entitlement.
Because I have had significant medical improvement since I first applied for disability, I am essentially arguing that I continue to meet the criteria for disability under the Shakespearean law.
Even as I am writing one sentence after the other, both Tawny’s are at conflict in my mind. I want to write a sentence that says, “Who cares?! Screw ‘em!” Then the other Tawny says, “You care!! It will only screw you!”
The tired Tawny wants all of this to end. The harassing letters from Social Security, the anxiety about going to the mailbox, the forms, the hoops, the sleepless nights…
Cheerleader Tawny is not about to give up, but even she has had a harder than usual day and wishes to rest instead of making notes about what to say tomorrow to attempt to get a continuance since my circumstances have changed. The appeal decisions so far have been made with my functioning level with the pump.
I am sure the conflict between my Tawny’s will continue as the evening wears on. I sure do hope that it is the pain-in-the-ass Cheerleading Tawny who shows up for the hearing tomorrow.