Just as magical as Cali was for restoring my professional confidence, it did a lot for clarifying my personal confidence as well. I cannot really account for how or why these things seemed to happen at the same time, but clearly, it must have been time.
You may notice that I seem to have a good deal of confidence in myself. I have confidence in my ability to cope effectively with just about any monkey wrench the universe cares to throw into the mix. I developed that confidence over the years of moving through one monkey wrench at a time, one day at a time. That doesn’t mean there aren’t doubts.
I still had within me a smidge of background negative stuff from childhood that periodically paused me or made me doubt my worth, however. It didn’t necessarily win out in recent decades, but it was present internally just the same. Messages like “I don’t deserve X” or some question of my value lingered even though I knew better.
As if magic, this too made a drastic shift while I was away. I do deserve whatever good comes my way and what’s more is that I need not settle for less than that. What I do, how I am, who I am, and what I stand for is worthwhile and valuable.
Apparently, a week away from feeling that nothing I do is good enough was a week well spent. I deserve more than to be de-valued as a human and while I could have said that before I left, there wasn’t the full-out internal belief.
Growing up, I felt that nothing I could ever do was good enough to be valuable or worthy enough for my mom. She was never happy regardless of what I did. Those were her issues, not mine. As a kid, how was I supposed to know that? As an adult, I have known that for many years, but that residual stuff shows up now and again, particularly when triggered.
Illness in and of itself can be a trigger for feeling less than, no matter what may have happened before the illness started.
I hadn’t had enough distance from a recent situation to understand the triggering, but apparently was able to get that in Cali. It was a very busy week, so there was no real conscious effort to process anything that wasn’t happening in the moment. Except that I was playing out attempts to rescue in a similar way in a different situation out there, and that seemed to illustrate it well enough to provide clarity.
The beauty of clarity is choice. Once I have this sort of shift, I get to decide what I might want to do with it. I always love a choice that facilitates my own growth and well-being, and when the choice becomes crystal clear, as it did magically when I returned from Cali, I almost cannot not make it.
It is time to choose to value myself, and as a friend reminded me while I was in Cali, I really cannot allow someone else to undermine my ability to do well at something. I didn’t while I was in Cali, and that has had a carry-over back home as well. I believe I have value. I believe that what I do and who I am is worth something whether anyone else on the planet agrees with me or not. 😉