I have written three different posts in the past week and none of them found its way onto my blog. I didn’t post them because they were superficial and not at all where I am. In between, something in life would happen to remind me of who I am, and where I am right now, so now you get what’s real.
The truth is, publishing a book about a challenging time in your life will stir up some crap. The crap it stirs may not be what you think. I am not traveling back in time revisiting emotions but I am again challenged to consider what I want to create in my future.
A future that, in that period of time about which the book is based, I wasn’t sure I would even have. While I was busy these last few years making a difference in whatever time I had, I failed to realize that there may just be much more time than I had considered. I am pretty sure on some level, I thought I was cheating the universe with each year that passed allowing me to do so.
I constantly remind myself that it was simply a colossal detour, it is in the past, not in my present or future. Clearly, I have moved forward from it in action and in rational mind, but emotion often is more difficult to bring forward.
I am not just that young woman who became ill and homeless. I am a competent and capable professional with more capacity to influence change than I probably ever will realize in my lifetime. I am both that young woman and that middle-aged woman all rolled into one.
So now, the questions I have for myself include “How do I want to spend my time?” “Where will I make the most impact?” “Am I where I need to be to do that?” “Is what I am already doing enough?” “Can I broaden that scope?” “What do I need to do to make whatever those answers are a reality?”
Honestly, I am not sure it matters how much time any of us have. I think it matters more how we spend that time. For me, it also matters whether or not my time is spent doing something that answers those very questions. What I am doing is wonderful and I love it, but there is a gnawing somewhere inside that tells me that I can be and can do more. More what and more how will have to unfold as I become clearer on what those mean.
I have a feeling 2018 has a lot in store.