“So, I read your blog today…”
“Should we take a minute to chat about your anxiety about the next decrease?”
Oh, well, I don’t think so. I am anxious for all the same reasons I have been anxious each time—just the not knowing, but it feels pretty manageable. Going below 50% seems a little different, but it is really just the same stuff…
“Ok. I just wanted to make sure. What is the plan? Are you driving yourself?”
Ok, cool. Yes, driving myself. Wednesday is when it will matter and Duke and I are going to work, so the backup plan for that is the same. I think I got this.
By the time I had this conversation yesterday, I could hardly remember what my blog was about. Blogging every day is wonderful, but I do tend to get them mixed up in my mind.
In the meantime, Duke and I had been to HEP in the heat. I rocked the stairs while Duke, the cutest dog in all the land, rocked the rest. During this conversation, I was in the floor with the cutest baby in the land.
I hadn’t forgotten I was anxious, but I had been amply distracted.
There really is nothing that different about this decrease than any of the others. The gradual nature of the decrease in doses isn’t likely to create a scenario that doesn’t already have a plan.
I have been as proactive of a planner for this as I can imagine being, so it is only when I forget that there is a plan in place (and several backups) or forget that I can handle whatever happens, that I tend to feel anxious. That has happened more in the evenings on the day of the decreases.
If I let myself go back in time to compare where I was early in the illness to some of the symptoms I have started to have again with the baclofen decreases, I can freak myself out a bit too. I wonder sometimes if that happens unconsciously when I am less distracted.
While knowing the relative order of symptoms from pre-diagnosis, pre-pump years is helpful information, it comes attached with some seriously intense emotions. Even recalling my symptoms during the pump swap in 2011 has some serious fear attached.
Those emotions are great for my book and for relating my story to others, but aren’t helpful to conjure up now. Fear isn’t center stage on this leg of my journey.
That was how it was, but it is not what I choose this time.