70% Epiphany

A significant chapter of my life is about to end.  This life chapter spans from 2007 when I got my first intrathecal baclofen pump.

For the past several weeks, I have shared about my challenge each week managing the anxiety that comes with each baclofen dose decrease.

The anxiety is from my attempts to anticipate what will happen primarily.  What will it mean?  How will I be able to function?  How might it change my world?

Last week when the reduction went below 50% to 60%, I seemed to be as anxious as I was when the reductions first started.  I made it through the week, using whatever coping skills I have developed and have dealt pretty well with the changes.

This week, as I awoke on the day of the decrease to 70%, I had an epiphany.  It isn’t a new insight, but it was one that had gotten buried in the recesses of my mind with all the emotion attached to having a pump.

No matter what happens each week, and even shortly after the pump’s removal, I have not yet tried many things in terms of managing my illness.  No matter what my level of functioning is each week from here on out, it is not the final word.

Just because I am using a power wheelchair at work right now, doesn’t mean I won’t be able to amble around there as a standing person six months from now.

Even if I find that I am unable to drive after this decrease, or the next one, that doesn’t mean that six months down the road after being able to more fully rehabilitate that I might not drive.

My options for physical therapy and other rehabilitative activities are limited right now because of the pain from the hardware in my body.  That won’t be an issue in a few months.

I am really ok ending life chapters, as they have to end sometime.  This one, in particular, is probably long overdue.  Whatever my life looks like at the end of it is not going to be what it looks like at the end of the next chapter.  Or the next.

It is hard for me to not lose sight of the big picture when I am working day-to-day at how to get from point A to point B, worrying about how that will change tomorrow, and taking care of the business of managing my life.

It was nice to wake up to these ideas and it made going to the pump doctor a little easier yesterday.  I am embracing the possibilities, and that is a pretty awesome place to be no matter what Murphy might have to say about it.

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